Negative thoughts of today:
As I hold my pencil thoughts pour into my mind. Things like, "Your work is horrible." "People don't like this." "You've never sold a print in over 5 years." "Your parents were right about you." "Your artwork looks like shit."
Constant thoughts, but more pour in, "You can't draw." "Your lines are wrong." "You've made too many mistakes." "I can see all of the mistakes."
And like being exposed without underwear to a crowd of people you wished to impress you feel as though they'll remember this horrible piece of artwork. This will burn into their mind and they'll look at you as a third rate artist. Never meant to become anything great or achieve anything in life.
I am stuck.
I will always be nothing. I will always start from the bottom. I will always be horrible at what I praise to have talent for.
Then I start to think more into it. I have no skills. I have no other abilities. I've tried to be an artist for 30 years now. I'm still no artist. I'm still an amateur.
As friends try to cheer me up and tell me that my artwork is something fantastic, my mind plays tricks on me. Like a playful little warlock my brain twists words in ways to hurt me. It makes me feel as though what they say is candy coated lies. Though I argue with the warlock, that's not true. My friends wouldn't say such a thing.
Then a different crowd of friends would ask me to see their work. Ignoring what I do and I start to think... why is that? Is my work that bad? Is it that horrible to look at even for a moment?
I start to believe it's true.
In another argument with myself I remind myself that I have tried contests, community projects, and submitting to an elitist club. All of which I had been declined, didn't win (or receive mentions) and was refused entry to try.
Then I dive back into these feelings. These horrible, scary, life threatening thoughts.
What if I wasn't here? What if I was just gone one day? Who would miss me?
Perhaps two people? What if I just suddenly disappeared? Who would try to find me? Who would bother to look?
Then I think even scarier thoughts. What would it be like to drop off a bridge? How fast would I die if I was to be hit by a truck? Would I fly far? Would others hit me too? How fast would I die if I were to plummet in front of a train?
So this blog is meant for self healing purposes as it was recommended to write down all negative thoughts so I could approach this on a positive day and see what sorts of things I said were stupid enough to forget about. I'm hoping this works and that I can forget the pain and grow from this on a more positive note.
I'm fighting nature here. As what I am is a negative and pessimistic person trying to portray themselves as a more optimistic fellow. This is never the real case, as is why I am single and prefer to stay that way. I feel as though I have too much baggage and it's often too much for my partner to understand. Though I do explain that the baggage I carry is far too much for another person to carry and comprehend. A lot push on and tell me otherwise. I learn the hard way and end up hurting more.
So this baggage is for me alone. I must learn to throw away what I no longer need and forget certain things that have hurt me.
If there was a way to erase certain thoughts in my mind, I would have done that already. There are things that need to be erased, that need to be forgotten.
So I return to the canvas. The thoughts are there. The words float through a blank canvas. The words are invisible but they whisper as they float. They remind me that they're there. When my pencil touches the paper it screams at me. These words in pen and paper.
I can't look in the mirror without being reminded of abuse. Abuse on all levels and all accounts. Some of which I disagree with and refuse to believe, but they are there.
I'll be posting more of these negative thoughts. Hopefully they stop flowing and I can get in touch with my younger self so I can enjoy what I once loved to do.
I've been drawing since I was little. On walls, in written books, over pictures in coloring books. I've always drawn. It's been more a part of me then breathing (as asthmatic as I am that actually seems more true then I originally thought). I'd like to enjoy drawing again. I'd like to sit down and grin with my tongue hanging out again rather then frowning and having to take a depression break.
These negative thoughts often make me very angry and I need to do something else. I've lost opportunities to print and publish my work because of these depression issues.
This is something that needs to stop and needs working on. I've fought everything else in my life, especially fear, so this is something that should be geared up for and fought head on.
